skida-marinky dinky dink, skida-marinky doooo

things have really been changing for me recently. well, honestly, not a lot has physically, but more mentally. i DID change my life around geographically, and i have been way more financially stable, but my emotions and perspectives have also been at a high point. not a whole lot bothers me anymore. i’ve really been able to sit down when i’m upset or angry, and just accept things. i’ve come to realize that i can’t fix everything; i’m not superman, and not everything can go my way 100% of the time. hey, that might not sound like a lot to you, and you may have been able to do that your whole life, but thats a freakin milestone for me.

you really wanna know what i think happened? i turned 20. i sat back, and actually thought about how old i was. seriously, 20 years is a long fuckin time, and i haven’t gotten anything done besides high school (barely) and rehab. like seriously bekah? thats all you’ve accomplished? and then i also thought, well, okay… theres been a few bumps in the road, granted. now all i have to do from here on out is stop fucking around, grow up, and get my shit together! i can’t be whining about pointless bullshit that won’t change, and i can’t throw a damn pity party for myself anymore. i’m not a teenager anymore, so i can’t use that excuse. i need to grow a pair. i need to save money, move out of a halfway house, work a thorough 12 step program, grow spiritually, go back to school, and start a life for myself. i’m through with just sitting back and thinking about what i COULD be doing, and i’m actually gonna go out and do it, because i know that i have the potential.

yeah, okay, i understand that theres gonna be more problems headed my way, and theres definitely going to be a lot more drama, because i swear to god, that shit rides on my back with me where ever i go, but i can handle it maturely and correctly. no more bitching and fighting and trying to get my way. it’s time to accept the things i cannot change, and move on. i have a lot planned for my life, and it doesn’t include sitting in my shit, wondering what could have been. i love myself too much today to let that happen.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

the courage to change the things I can,

and the wisdom to know the difference.

i really haven’t been feeling very spiritual lately. i resent everyone, and it’s mostly because i feel like a lot of people have it a hell of a lot easier than i do. sometimes i wish that for just one day, i could see how it would feel to be spoiled rotten, to just be able to call up mommy and daddy and ask for 500 dollars, or anything for that matter. but ya know what? when i type all of that and actually look at it, and think about what i’m saying, it sounds so dumb. i’m an independant woman, and i’m only 19 years old. that in it’s own is it’s own accomplishment.

rather than be being a whiney, annoying little girl, everything else is great. my boyfriend is probably the most amazing guy i’ve ever met in my life. he treats me so perfectly; like a real lady. i feel beautiful around him, i feel complete. ew i sound so mushy haha but seriously, thats how he makes me feel.

\m/ rock on south florida.